New Year’s Resolution

There are lots of things I would like to change about myself, but as often as I think of them, I recognize the futility of it all. I want to make myself better and improve, but I also feel that so much of the things around me that need changing are out of my control.

I am not suggesting that I don’t have room for improvement. Far from it, I am suggesting that the things I want to have different in my life are not within my ability to change. I want to reduce my debt, but I am merely paying my bills as it is. I want a happy home life, but that often relies on the actions of others whom I cannot control. I want more courage to make decisions and more self control in dealing with my own vices, but courage and self indulgence aren’t things you can merely decide to be better. Often it takes being in a position to truly expose the limits of these qualities for them to grow, and I don’t want to opportunities to experience great courage, or see my vices exploited. in order to provide me with opportunities for growth.

In terms of tangible goals I am sure I can rattle off long lists of things I would like to do better to serve in the interest of a resolution. I want to update my blog more often, I want to be more frugal with my income, I want to exercise more and eat less. I want to go outside more. I want to grow my business. I want to keep better records.

Of course, I could also begin listing the esoteric resolutions. Things that have no easy measure. I want to be a better father, I want to be a better husband, I want to be a better son etc... But how does one accomplish this task and know that you have succeeded? Well the kids didn’t enter rehab this year, so I must have been doing better as their father. . .

I think the whole resolution idea is a crock. Of course, that is probably why Lent is so close to the beginning of the new year. You realize that you can’t keep up with your resolution, so you involve God.

I don’t have a New Years Resolution. I am not going to write one down. Here is an analogy for how my life feels right now. I am swimming in a river. I need to reach a point upstream. As I swim, the water becomes rougher and faster. Sometimes I swim as hard as possible and notice that I am still loosing ground. Once and a while, small boat comes by and lets me hold on as it moves upriver, but it only lasts a short time and although I make some progress, my ultimate goal isn’t much closer. Then I find out that the point that I am swimming to, is actually not where I need to be, and the actual point is farther up stream. So when new years resolution time comes around, I feel that there is someone on the bank yelling to me to try harder at swimming upstream and that the only reason I am still in the same place I was last year is because I was simply treading water. I want to yell at that person that I am swimming as fast as I can, but they don’t know what the river has been like, they only see that I am in the same place I am now.

So what I need to do is find a way to get out of the river and walk upstream. Although I will still have a journey, at least it won’t require me to swim against the current. There has to be a way.