If you have read this blog at all, and it must have been a pretty slow week to make it to this lonely corner of the Internet, then you know that I am new to running and had been in training to run my first Marathon, January 8th 2012. As the date was months away, and then weeks, and then days, I found myself blogging less and less about what was coming.
Many of you know that I started having a lot of pain in my shins. What I thought might have been a developing stress fracture in my left tibula, turned out to be shin splints, that ended up across both legs, but more severe in the left. After MRI confirmation and clearance from my doctor, the rule was if I could endure the pain, I could continue to run. This sounded great in sitting on the couch under ice, but was much more difficult in practice. However, I did make it to my longest run, 22 miles, and then began the great taper. I missed several of my mid week runs, but always made it out for my long runs. A combination of the holidays, family obligations, and tired sore legs reduced my ability to continue all of the mid week runs.
Yet through all of the that the trip was here. The Monday before, I went out for my final long run, 8 miles. The weather was cold and windy (for Tampa anyways) and although I was cold I made it through, wheezing. Unfortunately, a cold was upon me. Using Zicam, hot tea and rest, I did what I could to be well for race day. My family was running in many of the events. My daughters were in the 5K, my wife the half, and I the full. Sleeping in was not an option. Also, we were at Disney World, we couldn't sit in the room and not tour the parks, so Epcot, Magic Kingdom all got some of our time.
On my race morning I woke at 2:30 AM, my cold symptoms almost completely gone. Although I had a slight cough the day before, nothing was going to stop me from toeing the line today. I had prepared my fueling and breakfast the night before. All my gear was laid out and I had considered several different clothing options. I had purchased a new set of the same type of shoes a month earlier, but went with my older more broke in shoes. I was not going to change too much. I actually ran in my shorter, older running pants from the year before simply because I knew they were effective and easy on the legs.
My plan was to consume a gel every 4 miles. That was how I prepared during my training. I had 5 for the run and one extra. I brought a Gatoraid prime with me to the start as well as my foil of PopTarts (it started as a real way to add calories and a suggestion from a friend and now I bring them mostly out of habit). I consumed a peanut butter and banana sandwich before I left the room and realized I should have put it in the bag and brought it with me. I had lots of waiting around and I could have used the calories later in the race.
I was placed in coral C, but I should have moved back a ways, I was not going to be able to keep up with these runners, but the course is long and I wanted to see the start so I stayed. The beginning of the race was fairly easy but also dull. The loop back through Epcot wasn't too challenging but I knew i wasn't running my own race, I was pacing with the people around me and was averaging 30 seconds to a minute faster per mile than I should have. Still, I figured I felt good and was maintaining well.
My hands were cold and I should have worn gloves. I was wearing a short-sleeved shirt but the cool air and the condensation and sweat on my hands made them uncomfortable. By the time we reached Magic Kingdom the feeling in my hands was easy to ignore and I knew we were approaching the halfway point. It was here that the 4:30 pace group came up behind me while running through the TTA parking lot. I realized that I couldn't keep up with them and after a mile of trying I saw them slowly drift away.
It was then that I came to grips with the idea that I had pushed the first 8 miles too hard and needed to more realistic pace if I was going to make it to the end. It was probably around this time that I lost my left nipguard as well. Unfortunately I had not worn them on my last run and I was a little raw already so I didn't feel the loss of protection and my first indication there was a problem was around mile 16 when I happened to look down and see the red stripe down my bright green shirt. I was instantly embarrassed but also knew there was nothing I could do and I would never get another nipguard to stick. In the past I have found once you are soaking you can't get them to stay.
So it was here where my mental focus just broke down. I had taken a bunch of pictures that were now ruined (not really but when you are having a pity party everything looks down) and was starting to doubt my entrance in this madness. The course was boring and the smell from the compositing facility just highlighted my desire to quit. I knew my family would be waiting for me around Animal Kingdom, so I just kept holding onto that thought. My legs were cramping both quads and my right hamstring. My shins felt great, no pain at all.
The first banana station helped immensely. I walked while eating the banana and it was heavenly going down and gave me a great boost. I only wished I'd grabbed two. As we continued it seemed the water stations were getting very close together, but all I wanted to do was get through Animal Kingdom to see my family. When I saw them in the parking lot, my heart leapt. They don't know it but without them there, I don't know if I would have finished.
I did all of my training alone. I do not belong to a running group and although my wife runs, she was unable to train with me, so I'm very accustomed to running on my own. Part of the reason is that running has been deeply personal and I'm very self conscious. My friends don't run so I would have to run with a stranger and I would always feel inadequate. I fear having to constantly ask someone to slow down or stop. I'm also not confident in my abilities and don't really know my own body very well so I sometimes reach my limits sooner than I am prepared to admit.
So seeing my family on the course was overwhelming. They don't know this, but after I passed them I was so emotional I couldn't catch my breath, like my throat closed up and I wasn't able to pull in anything. Luckily there was a picture stop with Mickey so I used that chance to stop for a minute and let the feeling wash over me.
As we left Animal Kingdom the course really became a challenge. From the 19th mile through to the end, I'm not sure what kept me going. I was too self conscious of my bloody shirt to stop to take pictures and I had to resort to a run walk run strategy just to make sure I would keep moving. My music was playing, but I hadn't heard any of it in a while and looking back on the course there are parts where I was so deep in condemning myself that I don't remember passing certain landmarks. I started saying some pretty mean things to myself especially as we traveled North along Buena Vista Drive over several passes, but it was worse a mile before that when we had to loop back through the course on Osceola Parkway near the big jumbotron.
I don't want to run, I don't need this, I can't do it, Why did you think you could, Why are you so fat, Why did you think you could do this, You'll never do this again, You never have to do this again, My legs hurt, My feet hurt, you wore the wrong socks, Every one is grossed out by your shirt, You look like an idiot, You'll get the medal but you don't deserve it.
All my training and practice for this one event, and all I did was spend the last few miles trashing myself. I couldn't find it in me to build my self up. I tried saying prayers, I tried thinking of how great getting the medal could feel, but every time I came up with something positive, the old me would come out and bitch-slap me. Seeing my family helped, and the hope that they might be somewhere on the course also helped. They were at the finish and I saw them as I turned down the last stretch. It was late by then and I knew I wasn't going to be near any of the time goals I had set for myself. The 5 hour pace group had passed me a while ago, and like a fool, I had decided to post my time for good or bad from @RunMeter all over Twitter, Facebook, and email. There was no hiding from it.
My legs had been cramping for a while, and although I had dealt with cramps before what do you do when both your quad and ham cramp at the same time? My stomach and arms hurt. I had consumed food on the course and stayed on my eating and drinking regiment, but I was feeling sick. I had to keep drinking though, but I started to lay off the Poweraid thinking I had brought in too much salt.
As I passed through the finish, I could hardly find it in me to wave or smile. I just wanted to be done with the whole mess. Take off the shoes and throw them away. I found some tarmac to lay on; it hurt under my hands as I desperately tried to lower myself down gently as my muscles contracted on their own painfully. I texted my family where I was and told them I didn't think I could get back up to meet them. I ate quietly and tried to keep down the food. I was checking my clock to make sure we could get checked out of the room on time, what a stupid thing to worry about. As my family found me and my senses started to return, I started to feel some pride, but it was oddly bittersweet. Although I will discuss this in a later post, I had worked so hard for this, but I hadn't felt a real sense of accomplishment as I had with the half a year earlier. All I knew was that I had done it, for better or worse, it was over.
As I saw people around me with their Goofy medals around their neck, I knew that there was more I could do, but I believed I was at the absolute limits of what was left for me. I was helped up and we made our way to the bus. Later on, I would lay on the bed of our room after a well earned shower and watch as the things of the weekend were packed away. Safely stored in the van we went to Hollywood Studios where I had been just a few hours before suffering, returning now to the accolades of the cast members.
It was done, and I have finished this journey. I want to be proud of myself, but there something elusive in this victory. I'm oddly embarrassed about my finish time of 5:19, when people ask I say around 5 hours. There is an itch somewhere in my brain that I can't scratch. I don't know if I will put myself in the position to do this again, put my family through this again, put myself through this again. Its a couple of days past, and my shin hurts, I have to get back to the gym and likely will head there tonight (its only been 3 days).
The glimmer of hope isn't me at all, its my wife. She's been there supporting me the whole time. The one that knew I could do it, that still shows pride at what I've done. She finished the half the day earlier and when I asked her how she felt later that day she said, " Like I can do anything! " I knew exactly how she felt from my experience a year before. I felt the same way and her enthusiasm to get back out and do it again, to get the family involved and put on costumes for next year, to realize that she could do this again and again if she wanted is the reason that I will overcome this momentary lapse in optimism, set a new goal and run towards it, even if it requires a run walk run pace.
Others have asked me about the experience and I have a canned answer to them. I tell them it was the hardest thing I have ever done (not a lie) that I'm glad I did it (might be a lie don't know yet) and that I can scratch it off the list (hmmmmm). If your training for a marathon, people around you who haven't done it don't understand. The people you meet on Twitter are faceless, so you don't really know where they are in their own journey. You meet the zealots who have the DNA for 2:30 hour finishes, the aspiring runners who are just starting themselves but are 20 years younger, but you don't meet to many 40 year olds choosing this as their midlife crisis. I've come to grips with the idea that I won't have the money for a true midlife crisis, so this will have to do. One thing is for sure, it can feel like a crisis.
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