Being a fat kid

If you were a skinny kid, or just an average kid, you will never know what it means to be a fat kid. Until the 9th grade, I was a fat kid. I lost a lot of weight the summer before my 9th grade year, so although still a geek, I was just a slightly wide geek, not obese.

The one thing that no one around me seems to understand is that i have no idea what I actually look like. In my imagination, I'm thin and in shape. As a chubby kid, you tend to only see the parts of yourself that you find to be ok. Looking in the mirror is deceptive, since you angle yourself so that your clothes hang just right at this certain angle. You then walk out the door thinking you look one way, when you actually are much different.

Then you see a picture and you can't figure out how you look so bad from that angle. It was never enough for me to change my habits, besides I was a kid. How was i to change my eating habits without the help of my parents. My brother wasn't fat, my parents weren't fat. It was just me. They never suggested that I was fat, but there were hints that maybe I eat too much dinner.

When i was finally inspired to loose weight, I realized that girls saw me different and that motivated me to at least keep some of it off for a while. I was never in shape, but I wasn't fat. This of course meant I looked ok, but wasn't taking my shirt off for anyone. Why? Because now I knew i was fat before. Loosing weight made me feel better about myself, but also pointed out how distorted my view of myself was. So, in comparing my body shape to others, I realized I was smaller, but not thin. For the rest of my life I would never be able to look at myself realistically again. It's the mirror problem all over again, except this time, I amplify every flaw and do everything to hide them. Neurotically checking myself in every window I walk by, looking at the tightness of my pockets in my dress pants, the amount of shirt I pull above my waste to hide my muffin top, how I angle my head so that my jowls don't show etc...

People who were not fat as children, don't have this same distortion. It's the combination of both lying to yourself about your looks while secretly knowing there is something wrong and dreaming always to be thin.


Food for life