Harder than it looks

Last year I decided to run a half marathon. I had just started running in October, and mostly on a whim I figured I would enter an event. People around me were talking about 5K's and how much fun they were, so my wife and I started considering entering local events. Of course, being me, I thought maybe I would take it to the next level and train for a marathon run. I had been reading about the marathon weekend at Disneyworld so I did about 5 minutes of research before I decided to enter the half-marathon.

Now that meant I needed to train. I looked at a couple of training regiments and kinda just picked one and followed it in a marginal way. I ran 4 to 5 days a week and made Wednesday nights my long run. Since I was running only a half, I only had to make up to 2 or so hours available. I was doing all of my running at night after the kids were in bed, and moreover it was all in my neighborhood. At best my neighborhood provides a 3 mile loop (this is if you run past the same house a couple of times). So, to ramp up my mile, I would run this loop 2, 3 or 4 times. I didn't do anything about tapering, I didn't pay too much attention to my footwear, I bought clothes only when I needed something warmer or bigger or whatever.

I had an ipod nano given to me as a gift which I immediately used with a Nike+ foot pod to keep track of my miles. I eventually switched to using my phone and broke down to buy an armband. I loved synching my phone and ipod to see how my miles were growing. I also loved listening to music and making newer and newer playlists that would take me farther and farther.

Although I discovered several things along the way, like what it means to have bloody nipples (yuck), how to deal with being thirsty while running, and how to keep my calories intake under control. What was never a problem was getting my miles up. It wasn't hard, it never felt impossible. It felt like as long as there was time, I was going to be able to make it to 13. I never hit any wall. I lost some weight and was encouraged by my progress so I just kept running more and more.

After the race was done, I wanted to run more, so I entered several other races, and as the spring started to increase the temperature, I entered the Wine and Dine (not thinking of the training schedule at all) and it was about this time in March that I decided that I would run a full marathon. I didn't think too much about it until I started reading more running books. They all warned against ramping up your miles too much or too quick. They discussed how to stay healthy and how to manage your running schedule.

The summer arrived and if you've read anything I wrote during the summer, you know that it was very difficult to keep up my running. To compensate, I bought more stuff thinking it would help, but once the summer started to abate, and October was here, I sat down and really planned out my running schedule. I put forward a schedule to which I thought I could adhere. I didn't monitor my weight or food intake too much, but I decided I would concentrate on keeping up my strength training and also keep my protein intake high. I decided on the Novice Level 2 Higdon  training schedule that I modified to fit my personal schedule. You know, steered it around dance classes for my kids, trips to Disney, school functions, and races I wanted to attend.

It was late October that things changed substancially. First, as I approached October 1st and the Disneyworld Wine and Dine, I started to have some pain in my shins. I realized I couldn't get any more miles out of my shoes so I bought a pair of Brook Glycerin's. I only had a week in them before I ran the half, but got a PR even if it was only by a couple of seconds. (I would have gotten under 2 hours if I hadn't stopped for pics with Goofy, oh well). I thought the pain would go away, and it seemed to for a little while.

But a couple weeks later as my miles started to get over 13 that it was clear the pain wasn't going anywhere. Worse, I was in pain longer and longer after my runs. It was after a treadmill pacing run where I had to stop after 2 miles on a 4 mile run that I decided to go and get another pair of shoes or change the shoes or do something about the shoes. I figured it had to be the shoes since it was the only thing that changed. I got some Spenco inserts for the Brooks (I had over 60 miles on them and didn't feel right returning them to the store) and also bought a pair of Nike Pegasus. Now I don't have a ton of money to keep dropping on running stuff, so it took some sacrifices to get more shoes and inserts, but I had to deal with my legs.

Then came my 15 mile run. It was rough. Really rough, the recovery afterwards took days of icing and ibuprofen to deal with the pain. My left leg was really causing me pain, all the time. Walking, laying, running. It would start to go away after 3 miles or so, but getting to that point was tough. Then my 17 mile day; felt great until around 14 miles. Part of that was the weather and the fact that it was the beginning of daylight savings time, so I got the extra hour jump on the day. However, the last 3 miles were rough. It wasn't the leg, it was everything. I realized that I three more miles to go, and I was only going to be 17 miles in with more than 9 miles to go for the real thing. Then I had to get to the 18 mile day. It was this week when my head (which was not connected to the pain in my leg) convinced me to reevaluate my running schedule and try and go from Novice level 2 to Intermediate level 1. The big difference was I was going to try and get over 20 miles before my taper to try and push the wall back. Why? because after the 15 and 17 day had a real wall I was hitting. A point where I didn't think I could continue to move my legs. I was suffering from cramps, fatigue, pain, and a mental battle that I was loosing. But again, there was the 18 mile day.

I had taken a 2 week break (well actually 11 days) while I was away at the Food and Wine Festival at Epcot. I figured I could stand to walk around the parks but not run. I wore my running shoes with extra support the whole time, but kept off the running. The 18 mile day came with no short runs of any kind for 11 days. I hit the road slow but with a new track to run to try and keep me focused. I had more than enough gels and water to see me through. I ran right into that wall at 14 miles. I hit it and hit it hard. I ran 3/4 of each mile, and walked a 1/4 mile for 3 or so of the miles. Talk about total failure. I took breaks, ate more calories than I planned. Hit water more than I planned. That wall was real. I was getting cramps in my quads, hams, and calfs. My legs were burning. It hurt more to walk than run so I tried to keep running, but then I felt like I couldn't keep my legs moving. I just had nothing left. All I could think of was trying to get home. I text my wife to please fill some bags with ice and get some fluids together. I got home just in time to unload the groceries and crawl up the stairs. I was afraid that if I stopped moving, I might not start again. I ran a cold bath and slipped into it. I slowly started stripping my clothes off and icing my shins.

After 30 minutes of icing and cool water bath, I devoured some calories and then on the behest of my wife I laid down. I was attending a beer festival later that day with some friends, but didn't know if I could make it back to vertical from laying down. Eventually I got out of bed and into the car for the afternoon festivities. But, the whole day all I could think of was that I was at the end. I don't think I can make it 26 miles. While I read the blogs and books of others talking about getting themselves down to 3:30 finishes, and others talking about keeping their speeds at 7 minute miles and slowly increasing their distances, I'm beginning to wonder if all I'm doing is fooling myself into thinking I can actually run. Maybe all I'm doing is fancy walking that is taking me close to the edge of true injury.

I always assumed that finishing the marathon wasn't going to be the problem; that trying to do so in the time I'm shooting for was the real battle. That's how my half marathon training went. Now that I'm in the middle of the real long miles, I don't know if I am going to finish. I don't mean the race. I don't know if I'm going to finish the training. It is completely brutal, I'm rattled and in pain all the time. I'm dreading my running days and am scared of not being able to finish. I don't really have anyone to talk to about my fears. I talk to my wife, and she is 100% behind me, but she is like me, inexperienced and wants the best for me. My friends think I'm crazy, and my family is the same. I've actually had someone offer to 'refund' my entrance fee if I don't think I can go on. I want someone to give me some magical advice that suddenly makes it all come together.

The truth is, I'm scared. I've been talking about this race for months and my friends all ask how its going. In the beginning I was all positive about my advancing miles. I was encouraging them all to enter races and pound the road. Now that the going has gotten really tough for me, I don't want to give up, but I'm also concerned that it may be beyond my control. I'm not only concerned that I'm not going to make a good showing, I'm really concerned that I'm not going to finish. I don't want to disappoint my wife or children or friends. I also don't think I could stand to hear anyone tell me "I told you so". However, I'm truly concerned. Am I really injured? Is my leg experiencing a stress fracture that each day I am denying and pummeling into the ground over and over, or am I grasping for any reason to not run? Pain can be managed and controlled (at least I keep telling myself that), but when I hit that wall, I don't know what is going to keep my legs moving.

Of course, then there are the people that don't understand at all how hard this is. People who just don't get how different this is than any other challenge. Who still tell me to Run Forest Run! (Something I hate). I just can't quit, but I really want to. I want to sleep in tomorrow. I want to get back all that time I'm going to spend running. I'm not getting the benefits I thought I would see. No skinny pants, no superb body. In fact, I can't figure out why I'm doing this at all except that I've told people I will and I've paid my fee. These are pretty poor reasons to keep going.

But I remember mile 10 of my first half marathon, seeing Off Kilter on stage playing and me coming over the overpass on my way to Epcot with tears rolling down my face. I had finished something I started and I did it myself. No short cuts, no prodding-all me!

Now I'm sitting hear, ice on my leg, still denying I'm really injured and trying to convince myself that I'm just being weak and its only in my head. I have dropped out of the Space Coast Marathon more due to logistics than anything else (I am being evaluated the next day and want to spend more time on Sunday preparing than driving). I'm trying to find some shred of reason to keep going. I've read all these inspiring stories. In fact, I've read how one of my tweeps, who I've met at a couple races, had to miss her dream of running the Chicago marathon for an injury. I pitied the position in which she found herself, but didn't truly understand until this week. Of course, she is half my age and I don't know how many more years I have left in me to keep running. I didn't start when I was 20, I started at 40! I'm not one of these life long runners who is 150 pounds and can run and run and run. I'm 210 pounds and its not going to change anytime soon. Every step pounds on my bones and joints, and I understand I could ride a bike or jump in a pool, but I chose running because I can afford it and its accessible. I understand now that maybe I should drop back to half marathons, or better yet 5K's. But I want to finish! I want to do it once. I've got the sticker waiting to go on my car. I just don't know if I can do it. In fact I don't know if I can go on at all.

This is a lot harder than it looks. Harder than I ever imagined. Its from now until January where we are really going to see what I'm made of. I'm scared of finding out.